Sacrificing my heart

There were days I just stood crying in his room praying, "Please bring him back home." What I couldn't stand the most, I found myself missing with every fiber of my being. I would keep the sound machine on all day just so I would have some kind of noise. Something to remember, to hold onto. I was a mama without my son living at home. These were the days where everything I knew was to be put to the test. This was my time to fight to be mama. This was when I sacrificed my heart for him. Again, I found myself with no way to go but to find the strength inside of me and let my faith carry me through. 

Through the heartache the Promise keeper came through in every imaginable way! I couldn't see it then, but he had me in the palm of his hand the whole time. With every session, every revelation, every lightbulb moment that I had (and I had many and still do), He was there! In the court cases, I could see Jesus in the judge's eyes and it was the only consolation I had during those proceedings. No matter what happened, or what he called my family to go through, He was there and He was fighting for us! 

My favorite part of this journey was a beautiful program called ABC: Alternative Behavior Catchup. It's a program that works with the relationship between the child and parent that have had a traumatic experience. I told the facilitators that, "they gave me my son back." They did, truly. I lost sight of how sweet he was when I was dealing with my trauma. I couldn't be there for his. One session in particular was so touching. We were making pudding. It wasn't about the pudding, but more just being together, following his lead. Delighting in him was not my biggest struggle, it was following his lead. I had ideas of how things should go and, rightfully so, he had his as a toddler. It caused a lot of frustration between us. So, we were making pudding and he gave me the whisk. He looked at me with a big smile, eyes twinkling, and I just got lost in the moment! I just let him lead and we had so much fun! The pudding was pretty good too! 

Today, those same eyes and smile catch me and I remember how lucky I am to be his mama. Not a day goes by that I don't regret my actions and I work that much harder to show up for both of my boys now. I never want them to live with an unsafe parent. They deserve to be safe. They're my babies. I gave birth to them, held them, nursed them, and took care of them. I was there as much as I could to comfort them. Now, I had to prove who I was as a mama. This was a terrifying time for us without question. "They removed our son from our care. What could they do next?" was always the thought in the back of my head, as it is, I'm sure, for many families today still working with crisis intervention services waiting for reunification. 

I understand how you feel, honestly. It sucks. You had a vision of how you were going to be better or you're just trying to take care of yourself. How on earth are you supposed to care for another human, especially a tiny one, fully dependent on you? There is no judgement here, believe me. I hope you can trust that I am offering you a "sharing space." You do not need to suffer alone. I am in your corner. I believe in you and change is absolutely possible! It's happened and is happening in our home today. Stay the course, follow the orders, and you will be a family again, no matter if you live in the same home or not. They can't take that away from you, no matter what. You are the parents of these children and they need you! So please, never give up! 

Let me give you a glimpse into our home now. We are a family of four. We had our second son in 2017, Joshua Samuel, and we couldn't be more blessed. This sweet, joyful one balances us out (well kind of, I'm still the only female in the house). Nathan is almost 7. Joshy as we affectionately call him is 4. Today my relationship with my boys is thriving. We have our days, of course, and thankfully we are nowhere near that season. We talk about our feelings, encourage them, and empathize with them. I'm learning more, as I can, about child development and new research showing that we have the power to change our children's nervous system mapping. Literally, with positive experiences, we can rewire the brain to receive new messages, new emotional intelligence. No matter what our upbringing, we can change the trajectory of our families. It's hard and sacred work and generation impacting! I love Jai Institute for Parenting and the program. I have been truly blessed to be apart of it!

Thank you for reading a part of my story I'm so excited and honored to read and collect yours!