I release you... and commit to showing up

This week I felt through memories, failures, embarrassments, abuse, harsh words, thoughts, and faced fear in myself and the parent I became. For 6 years, I have carried this shame and guilt, and the past that led to the trauma. I've heard it spoken to me before and I never understood it until I really looked at it this week. It was trauma. I felt fear, felt unable to breathe, unable to speak, sometimes unable to move. I learned how to use anger as a fear tactic. If I wanted to be heard, then I would have to get big, mean, and scary. This week, I learned to release. 

Today, I released my past and its effect on me. I was mesmerized by the rock flipping into the air, the sun shining, birds flying overhead, the boys finding rocks to throw into the river, hubby holding me and praying with me. It was beautiful! The sweetest moment was when we threw our rocks together. The boys won't know the significance of what we did tonight, and that's ok! We will have plenty of time to teach them. 

Normally rocks can be heavy, burdensome, nothing special, but for our family they signify journeys. Journeys we've embarked on, closed, or released together. Each accomplishment is marked with a stone. Tonight, I covered up a letter I was supposed to write to my parent/caregiver. To say it was hard to write is an understatement. Yet as I watched the stone flying freely into the air, before it splashed into the water, I felt joy and freedom. I no longer need to carry it with me! Who I am now is who I really want to be and the kind of mama I am is the kind of mama I want to be. No more pressure to meet an unreachable standard. The only standard I want to live up to as a mama is my own, and this is marked with showing up.

I'm reading a book for our course, The Power of Showing Up by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Found on Amazon: https://amzn.to/3icXIfa and Ebay:  https://ebay.us/L0vuQL It spoke into the different parent attachments and it was not easy to read. I identified with myself being parented and the parent I have become this week in profound ways. Though difficult to digest, this chapter brings hope to all parents. We can show up even if no one did for us! This means we get to choose now what we do with our families! We get to show them their value and worth just for being in our lives! We don't have to give them a reason, we love them simply because we do. Showing up is not easy to do if you've never been taught how. Fortunately, there are so many resources we have at our disposal now that can help us learn! It's not going to look perfect. We will make plenty of mistakes, and it's ok! The healing journey that takes place in my heart, your heart, and our families is generationally impacting!

What does showing up look like? How can we do it? It might sound simple and it can be very hard to actually practice. Simply put, it's showing up for your kids. When they have big emotions, can you validate, hold, encourage, empathize with them and not want to rush in and "fix them?" Can you hold space for them to come to you? Do you try and understand before shaming and blaming (no judgement here by the way - one of the things I had to release). Can you be triggered, yet still meet the needs of your child until you can access what you need in that moment? Can you look with compassion on yourself, children, spouse, and parents? Can you assume innocence?

This thought was brought to me by a therapist: I was having a challenging time accepting gifts as nothing more than someone wanting to bless me. There was always more to it, there was always a catch, so I learned to be cautious. So when she asked me this, I objected at first. I thought about that concept for the first time and realized it would be a healthier way to let gifts and people in. I could assume they had no ulterior motive. That was really helpful to me. So, can you assume innocence for yourself, parents, children, spouse, family, friends, and even strangers you interact with throughout the day? Some will make our life hard intentionally, yet if we can approach others with this openness, we may be surprised what we learn!  

No matter what life was like, or what you went through, whether it was abuse like me or not, I'm sorry. Truly and deeply. If you have lived in terror as a child, I'm so very sorry. If you still do now, it's ok. It's not your fault! You were given a past you didn't create. Your family did not have access to the tools, skills, programs, and research we now have at our disposal today! This is not at all saying that was an excuse for the behavior and its effects on you or I.

So take a deep breath while I tell you what I released:  

•  fear 
•  terror
•  shame
•  blame
•  guilt
•  failure
•  violence
•  abuse
•  heaviness
•  confusion
•  mistrust
•  abandonment
•  judgement of self
•  limiting beliefs
•  agression
•  trauma

The last one is what this was all about. Everything I released stems from that one word: trauma. Trauma is not just in our mind, it's in our bodies too. I can feel it and its effects leave me disoriented. I feel hot and breathe heavier, my stomach feels like it's in knots, and anyone who knows me knows that it can take a bit for me to settle again. I felt like this after this week's class share. As a fellow classmate of mine was coming to the realization that they experienced trauma, I started to tear up for two reasons: he is a father of three kids just seeing this, and also for myself. 

When something becomes so normal to you that you don't recognize it until someone shows you, it can be a big revelation. It's as if someone's put voice to our feelings that this isn't right. Someone cares enough to see it, reveal it, and walk with us through it. Triggers and trauma is not something we can outrun. With intensive healing work, maybe you can find a way to release yours. We all do this process differently and we all are on different parts of the journey. I say this as gently as I can, there comes a time in everyone's life, where we have to face the past. As parents, we owe it to our families to come to peace with what was so we can move forward with what is. 

Let me just say that we are not going to do this perfectly! We are going to have challenging and more challenging days as parents. We might even come to our wit's end and want to pull every single hair from our head. We may not want to listen to five more minutes of noise. We may go to sleep crying after a hard day, or have a glass to take the edge off, check out a bit with T.V. or phone, or do something physical to blow off steam. It's ok! I get that this is hard; it really is! I know you're doing as best as you can.

Let me share something else with you that I learned as I embarked on this journey. You get access to their world, you get access to their hearts, and they meet you with honesty. This week, I discovered that Nathan must have been pretty upset with me because he wrote, "NO MOM" on the bottom of our kitchen table (magic eraser should do the trick right?). Instead of my old tendency to overreact, I got curious and a beautiful thing happened! I got to have a conversation with Nathan about how we don't draw on anything other then paper, but more then that I heard him out first, and he shared with me! That's what our dates are all about: just him and mommy time! He lights up when we do special things together! This is the kind of mama I want him to see. 

I want to be generous, yet someone he can rely on, even when I'm triggered. When the boys get in trouble, I want them to trust me with that, and then we work out a plan together to address the issue. Is the work easy? No. Is parenting easy? No. Is it worth it? 100% yes! If you are a parent living with trauma, you will find accepting a release even more challenging. It wasn't until I met my hubby that I truly figured out who I was, what I liked, what I didn't, and what or who brought me the most joy, heartache, or challenge. 

So, where do I feel most alive? Anywhere with water and sun and my family, usually. As I threw the rock in the water, the sunset was beside it. I love capturing sunset pictures, especially near the water! There's something beautiful about it and the light it reflects! The rays illuminate and reach down and shine brightly, as if a beacon of a lighthouse in the sky. The birds were flying up above me. It was as if creation celebrated this moment! 

What do you need to release? What are you carrying? How can we help each other on this path to self-compassion to ourselves and families? How can we set a path for a healthier generation to follow? The answer is in showing up, even when it's hard and you don't think you can. You will be amazed at the relationship you build within yourself and your family just by showing up even a few minutes a time. 

Tina Martina Putney 

Found on Amazon: https://amzn.to/3icXIfa

Found on Ebay: https://ebay.us/L0vuQL