Seen and Anchored

She came from a Christian family attending church in a little town in New Mexico. Her Dad was the choir director and her parents worked with the youth at her church. She accepted Jesus into her life at the age of 6. She lived with her mom, dad and brother. Walking in the light of a Christian home everything looked "put together." This all changed when an affair changed her family's lives.  Her parents were separated for 9 months. God healed their marriage after much betrayal.  Her dad found a job in Louisiana when she was 8 years old. Her parents decided a move would help the family make a new start. They got involved with the choir and youth group at their new church and felt that the move had been a good decision. Another brother was added to the family when she was 10. At 11, she started attending the church youth group but felt like everyone was watching her as the youth leader’s child.  At the end of 7th grade her family returned from vacation to find that her Dad ha...

This week I felt through memories, failures, embarrassments, abuse, harsh words, thoughts, and faced fear in myself and the parent I became. For 6 years, I have carried this shame and guilt, and the past that led to the trauma. I've heard it spoken to me before and I never understood it until I really looked at it this week. It was trauma. I felt fear, felt unable to breathe, unable to speak, sometimes unable to move. I learned how to use anger as a fear tactic. If I wanted to be heard, then I would have to get big, mean, and scary. This week, I learned to release.  Today, I released my past and its effect on me. I was mesmerized by the rock flipping into the air, the sun shining, birds flying overhead, the boys finding rocks to throw into the river, hubby holding me and praying with me. It was beautiful! The sweetest moment was when we threw our rocks together. The boys won't know the significance of what we did tonight, and that's ok! We will have plenty of time to teach ...

There were days I just stood crying in his room praying, "Please bring him back home." What I couldn't stand the most, I found myself missing with every fiber of my being. I would keep the sound machine on all day just so I would have some kind of noise. Something to remember, to hold onto. I was a mama without my son living at home. These were the days where everything I knew was to be put to the test. This was my time to fight to be mama. This was when I sacrificed my heart for him. Again, I found myself with no way to go but to find the strength inside of me and let my faith carry me through.  Through the heartache the Promise keeper came through in every imaginable way! I couldn't see it then, but he had me in the palm of his hand the whole time. With every session, every revelation, every lightbulb moment that I had (and I had many and still do), He was there! In the court cases, I could see Jesus in the judge's eyes and it was the only consolation I had duri...