Forgiveness

My Story: 

 

I am the youngest of three.

 

I don’t remember a time when my parents got along.

My mom had more of a passive personality and my dad was more overbearing, and so the combination was wrought with failure from the start.

 

They divorced when I was 10, and the three of us siblings stayed with my dad per their agreement.

 

My mom remarried a few years later and went on to have 2 more children when I was in high school.

I remember feeling very afraid in the beginning. And missing my mom all the time. We saw her maybe once a week. And once she was established with her second family, the visits were less frequent. I did not end up having a close connection with her despite her being a part of my life up until she passed a few years ago.

 

My dad loved us, no doubt about it, but struggled in his own ways with how to parent, especially on his own.  We grew up with a “power-over” parenting paradigm.  

I remember being uncertain of my place, of how I was expected to behave, and who I even was as an individual.

There was definitely a sense of conditioned love, that if we behaved, performed well in school, and were responsible, things would be peaceful. This may have been my perception ( I don’t think he would have ever “not loved” us)  but the insecure attachments led me to behave according to these rules.

 

When my mom left us, I felt unsafe.  

As a result of feeling unsafe, I created beliefs about how I needed to behave in order to bring a sense of security and safety back into my life.  

The power-over parenting from my dad left me feeling afraid and insecure, and I entered into my young adult life without a clear sense of my identity. 

 

I now have three beautiful children, all in their teens. 

 

I had become more aware, especially through my teachings in the Jai Institute for parenting, that my childhood experiences with power-under parenting of my mom and then the power-over parenting from my dad, left me with insecure attachments with my own children.  

 

I began to notice that I became triggered when I was in a position to enforce any kind of punishment or consequence, and that I felt I would need to come to my children’s defense when their dad did the same.  I would feel emotionally charged when my children would show any fears or stressors as it would take me right back to a time when I had to push those feelings deep inside…

 

Thankfully, we all have the capacity to change our perceptions.  With curiosity and courage, I have been able to reveal my limiting beliefs and fears.  I have re-framed what it means to feel safe and secure in the construct of my family, our values and boundaries, and I have learned to model this for my children, in the most imperfectly but compassionate way I know how.

 

I talk to parents today openly about how we need look only as deep as inside ourselves, be forgiving towards the past, and get curious about the now, our children, and how we want to raise them to be resilient and empathetic human beings.

 

Our”selves” are our greatest teachers.  Our experiences do not need to define us, we simply need to unearth them, look at the roots, the generational patterns, and create new and more empowered approaches to how we relate, connect, and are compassionate  towards our kids.

 

I lost my dad to cancer before my children were born.  My twins were born a year after he passed…and I miss him every day.

 

I would tell my mom and my dad that I forgive all of it.  All of the decisions they made at the time were the best they could do with what they had, and that is all we can ask of anyone.  

I would hope they would see my parenting journey now and recognize the value in creating a secure attachment to our children, that the best we can give to our kids is our presence…to simply show up more.  And I would hope they would learn even as grandparents, that it is never too late to give that grace to our children, the generational patterns do not have to persist.

 

I would tell my dad especially that I am learning how to get it right and I know he would be extraordinarily proud of that.